Eat Your Heart Out
by Bloodymuffinpuff
Summary: Crack Twoshot. Bella is a cannibal, looking for her latest meal. Edward is the vampire waiter that beat her to the punch. Can these two find love? Of course not, Bella just wants to eat his face!


**Disclaimer: I OWN TWILIGHT mwuahahah. You're all jealous? Hold on, I have a call. *picks up phone* [pause] what?! You're telling me I bought Twiflight. [pause] Not Twilight? Are you sure? [pause] Heads are going to roll for this. *hangs up* hehe? Funny thing... I don't actually own it.** [/lame disclaimer]

**Author's Note**: Hola, Mits here again. Another oneshot for y'all. No, it's not quite as disturbing as Bloody Tampons (but, it's close), but if you want something like that, drop me a line, and I'll write something up. Oh! **Both Edward and Alice are vampires!** Even if it seems like they're not. It's kind of the point. So, yeah. Written by Mits, with random sentences and corrections by Zuko. (But really, 99.322 % Mits)

_**Eat Your Heart Out  
**-Pure Crack Twoshot-_

"Hello, my name is Bella Swan, and I'm a cannibal," I said to myself while looking in the mirror. A few months ago, I was an alcoholic and went to all those meetings, so I decided I should just stand up and admit all my little quirks. It's a great ice-breaker. You know, "Hello, I'd love to eat your face," or "Hello, your shirt looks darling, I'd like to eat your face" (**A/N**: Illy this SO reminds me of you!!). Always a great pickup line.

That's probably why tonight I have three dates at the same time. Oh, don't worry. They all know about each other. In fact, it's a bit of a competition to compete against each other for my heart. Well, not really. I'm actually just going to eat the loser's face.

The dates all looked delicious, and by that, I mean to eat, not that they're handsome or anything. I picked out the three hottest guys I could find: Jacob Black, Mike Newton and Alice Cullen. Alice was a little short for me to date, but I made an exception because I absolutely loved his cute little haircut. His pecks were so defined and stood out like mountains on his chest. I wanted to caress his soft, pale skin on his delicate face, but I couldn't show preference for one of my dates. Not yet, at least.

I was getting ready at my house. My chestnut brown hair needed to be brushed. It looked beautiful now, but I needed it to be perfect. "975,321. 975322, 975323," I counted out as I brushed through it again and again. I had been getting ready for four hours now, and I wasn't sure if I'd be ready for the big date. It was almost 2:00pm, and Mike said he was picking me up at 7:00pm! It's so annoying when guys try to rush you!

I decided that beautiful would have to do for my hair, and decided to take a shower. I looked at myself in the mirror really quickly before hopping into the shower. I screamed when I saw it! I . Had. A . Zit! "What am I going to do!? What am I going to do!?" I screamed at the mirror. This catastrophe needed to be fixed immediately. I mean, the zit was huge! It was basically the same size as this period '.' I died when I looked at myself again. I'd have to put a paper bag over my head or else my dates would die of ugly.

Crying, I hopped into the shower and spent two hours washing myself. When I got out, I looked in the mirror, and the zit was gone. "Obviously my fairy tooth mother is looking over me!" I said as I frolicked to my room. Oh, I forgot to say, I have amazing grace and dancing skills. I look hot when I dance! That and the killer cannibal pickup lines are the reasons why I have so many dates all the time.

Anyway, I finished making myself perfect, and right when I put on lipstick, the doorbell rang. It was Mike! I was so excited for my date that I jumped all the way down the stairs. Mike opened the door for me and said how beautiful I looked. I blushed cherry red and complimented his shirt.

"Where are we going?" I asked, looking out the window.

"To The Restaurant!" He replied, smiling.

"Oh! I love it there!" I beamed.

It took ten minutes to drive to The Restaurant, and my other dates were already sitting at a table. Jacob and Alice were sitting on one side of the table, so Mike and I sat on the other.

"Hello, Jacob. Hello, Alice!" I said, waving to them.

They waved back, and we started chatting about things.

"I hear it's gonna rain tomorrow," Alice said, making small talk.

"What?!" remarked Mike, quite taken by the chance of rain.

I was only half listening, really. I was getting sort of peckish, so I reached into my pocket for some snacks I had stashed in their. Being discreet, I pulled out one of the many fingers I had, kind of like how Sweeny Todd killed people so that he could eat them.

It was kind of crunchy, so I hid underneath my napkin until I chewed away the bone. When I was all done with the finger, I joined back into the conversation.

"So, I hear you're a cannibal," said Jacob casually.

I nodded my head because I had spaghetti in my mouth, and I didn't want to be rude.

"Cannibals are freaks! They eat people!" exclaimed Mike.

I would have eaten him right then and there for insulting me, but our waiter came over. And, my God, he was smoking! Almost as if he were my own personal angel sent from heaven, Edward was just a perfect _God._ Yeah, he was definately too hot to be an Angel. The cigarette hung over the side of his mouth, and he smiled crookedly, cigarette ashes falling from down onto Mike's hand. I think he yelled something, but I was too wrapped up in Edward's charm to care.

"Hello, my name is Edward, and I'll be your waiter. Is there anything I can get you to drink?" he asked, looking at me first. I blushed all the way from my toes to my belly button his eyes were such a golden color, like gold!

I stuttered a bit, but was able to reply, "May I have some coke, please?" He raised an eyebrow, and I realized that I might have been misunderstood. "Oh! I uh, mean uh...Coca Cola. Coke. Yeah." I started to sweat just a little bit, didn't want to anyone to know about my Sunday afternoons.

I must have squeaked a little louder than I thought because Mike started laughing really really loudly. He laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and started rolling around on the floor. He was so close to knocking over Edward that I lunged at him and protected the waiter from being tackled.

Edward beamed at me, probably because I saved his life. I flashed all of my teeth and some other things and sat back down.

"I'll be right back with your coke!" he said, turning to the kitchen.

"What was so funny, Mike?" I screamed as I glared daggers at him. Not literal daggers, of course. I'm not a magician, however, I do have magical powers! I can eat people!

"You love Edward!" he exclaimed, pointing at me. "Bella and Edward sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" he started singing.

"I do not!" I screamed as I punched him in the face Alice and Jacob had to pull me back because I would have eaten him if they hadn't.

Two minutes later, Edward came back with my drink. "Thank you, Edward!" I said as I flirted with him. None of my dates seemed to notice, which was good because I didn't want them to be jealous. Edward was just the hot waiter I liked to look at. Plus, he hadn't even asked me to be his girlfriend yet, so he obviously wasn't interested.

"So what can I get you to eat?" Mike asked, pulling out a pad of paper ready to take our orders.

"Umm." I said, completely undecided. It was a really hard decision. I was feeling like spaghetti, but then I also wanted to eat Mike's face, but I couldn't do that. Well, not yet. "I'll have an apple pie, please," I said, finally.

Alice and Jacob quickly ordered after me. Alice got a ham sandwich with pickles, and a bowl of cheerios on the side. Jacob got steak. Mike hadn't ordered yet because he was too busy staring at me. I couldn't blame him really, I looked extra super cute tonight.

That's when I had the best idea ever!

I winked at Mike, and began to caress his leg under the table. "Hey, Mike. I think you have to go to the bathroom now," I tried my best to say it with a sexy voice.

He pushed my hands off his leg, and replied, "Yeah, how'd you know I have to take a leak?"

Men.

Mike quickly got up from his seat and headed to the bathroom. Neither Jacob nor Alice paid much attention to him. I excused myself five seconds later, saying that I had to wash my hands. Alice and Jacob nodded and continued their conversations about the latest episode of Wheel of Fortune, which I had recorded on my television back at home, so I could afford to miss the conversation this time.

I was walking to the mens' room door, when I noticed something odd on the floor outside of it. There was this really weird dark red liquid. It smelled like pennies and made me sick. I had definitely smelled it before, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Probably wasn't important.

I pushed open the door and my mouth literally fell to the floor. So I tried to pick it up really quick before anyone would notice.

"What the hell, Edward!?" I screamed!

Before my eyes were two men, Edward and Mike. Mike was on the ground while Edward stood above him. Mike's shirt was ripped off, and Edward was staring at his skin. His eyes showed nothing but desire for Mike's flesh.

Mike's body was positioned at an awkward angle, and I couldn't quite figure out why. His eyes had rolled back into his head, and all I could see was white. His arms were bent at the elbow, crushed under his weight. It was like he had been holding himself up and then decided to stop for some odd reason. His hair was a mess with bits of it going every which way. I couldn't see his face at all though, which was quite odd considering it should have been there.

Oh, and that spot that Edward was staring at, that's where all the icky red stuff came out of.

I looked up at Edward and then back at Mike.

I looked up at Edward, saw some red stuff on his lips, and then back at Mike.

What happened here?

"Did Mike hit his head on something?" I asked, wondering why Mike was just lying there for so long. It couldn't have been very comfortable.

Edward smiled at me, and all this red liquidy stuff dripped a bit from his lip. I had seen that stuff before. It was blood!Why did Edward have blood on his face and where was Mike's face?

Then it dawned on me.

"EDWARD, YOU ATE MY DATE!" I screamed so loud at him, then I paused for a second before adding, "I WAS GOING TO DO THAT!"

I was so unbelievably mad at him that I tried to punch him in the face. He was too fast, however, and simply dodged all my best attempts.

I looked down at Mike and realized he was dead because it's kind of hard to be alive when someone eats your face. I should know; I do it to people all of the time.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't realize you wanted him. He just looked so tasty, I just had to eat his face," Edward said, his face cast downward.

For a second there, I forgave him because he's absolutely stunning, and I just wanted to hold him. But only for a second because after that, I remembered that I'm a cannibal, and he ate my date's face. I pulled back my fist to punch him again, but lowered it. Violence would not put Mike's face in my stomach.

"Sorry? You're sorry? Sorry doesn't fill my belly with yum yums! I want Mike's face, and you better give it to me! Now!" I screamed at him.

Edward frowned. "Bella, I already ate him. How do you expect me to give him back?" he asked, and I just glared as a response.

He did this weird thing where his eyes got all big and adorable, and his lips pouted, and, and, and I just wanted to kiss him! No, Bella, no! You're a cannibal! You eat people! No Kissing! Not after what happened last week with that rodeo clown.

I leaned in just a bit closer because he did smell like flesh, but it was purely for the smell, not because I kind of wanted to kiss him. "Give me Mike's face now!" I said, ignoring the pout that formed on his face.

"So be it," he said simply, stepping a few feet away from me.

It took me a second to realize what he was doing. I'd seen people do it before, like Jessica, but never a guy. He took his finger and shoved it down his throat.

Two seconds later, Mike's face was on the floor.

Panting, he asked, "are you happy now?"

No, I was not. "No, I am not!" I pouted at him, and then glared for good measure.

He sighed, and asked, "What's wrong, Bella? I gave you Mike's face back!"

Oh how much I loved Edward, but I didn't actually love him. Of course not. He's just really hot.

I blushed, hiding my face, as I realized I had been picturing him naked instead of answering his question. "But you already ate his face! I don't want sloppy seconds!"

Before he could even respond, I lunged myself at him. My teeth went straight for his glorious face, and they bit into his nose. Only, they didn't. His nose was so hard, like a chalkboard! How much plastic surgery did he have?

"You broke my tooth!" I accused him as I detached myself from his face.

He smirked at me, showing off his fangs. "I'm a vampire!"

"I don't care about that. You broke my tooth!" I screamed.

He stepped back, looking at me curiously. "You don't care that I'm a vampire?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"Why would I care? I'm a cannibal! But that doesn't change the fact that you've stolen my dinner AND broken my tooth!" I asserted.

Edward sighed, and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Bella, please. I love you, and I'm sorry that I ate his face."

He loved me? Oh. My. God. Edward Cullen loved ME! And I loved him, too? No, no. I shook my head to get rid of thoughts of love. "I'm going to eat your face," I proclaimed with a plan already forming in the back of my mind. "Just you wait and see!"

--

**Thank you for reading!**

**The Conclusion will be uploaded shortly after I write it! (Hopefully, it'll be within two days. Possibly longer if Zuko doesn't yell at me enough)**

**Um.. so. Flame / Review. Whatever. Just give me something.**

**Oh! And Read Midnight Eclipse because I TOLD YOU TO!**


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